Things you know you want to ask me, stop denying it

What color is my underwear?
Red boxers, with valentine sayings all over them.

What was I listening to as I wrote this?
System of a Down, _Steal This Album_, “Nuguns.” Stick an umlaut over that first “u” there. The lyrics are often terrible. But damn, the music rocks. You know how your Mom just can’t get enough of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra? That’s how I feel about SOAD.

What was the last thing I ate before writing this?
An “I <3 Seattle” chocolate Rob brought back from vacation.

What color of crayon would I be if I were a crayon?
BLACK, BABY, BLACK.
BLACK BABY.
omg, I’m going to hell for that…

What was the weather like as I wrote this?
Sunny but chilly, tinged with the scent of smoke from a big house fire that happened just as we were walking back from lunch. We could see the smoke from where we were, but it was a bit far of a walk to gawk. However, there were THREE news helicopters hovering over the scene, and it was the most surreal thing.

Who was the last person I talked to on the phone prior to writing this?
My sister, just before she THANK GOD cleaned up her dog’s poo from my yard.

What’s the first thing I notice about the opposite sex?
Her face. Is that a thing? Or do you want something more specific? If so, I dunno man, I just kinda take the whole face in at once, ’cause you know it gives off its own vibe sorta that’s separate from its parts. The smile, eyes, nose, lips, cheekbones, brow shape, hair, all come together to form YOU.

I don’t notice ears right away. But I do remember that episode of Family Ties where Skippy was all hot for Lauren (Courteney Cox-Arquette), who was Alex’s girlfriend. They were at the kitchen table doing some bit of business or other, and he was mooning over her “shell-like ear” and I remember being all “grooooooooss” but not changing the channel because I secretly liked it.

Probably a better question is “What’s the second thing you notice about the opposite sex?” My answer to that would probably be “hands”, if I wasn’t being totally honest and said “chest”. But “chest” isn’t really accurate, because basically anything shy of droopy old-lady-boobs works for me. However if you have nice hands, you’re halfway into my pants.

What’s my favorite food?
Pizza. Or ice cream. Or watermelon. Watermelon ice-cream pizza.

Do I drink?
On occasion. Nice to be tipsy of an evening, every so often. I’m no teetotaler, but it mostly doesn’t occur to me.

Do I smoke?
Only a couple drags when I get drunk, at which point my sister picks on me for being bad at it or holding it wrong or something. Basically the answer’s “no”. I don’t like how I feel after I’ve smoked. The split second “holy shit” high of a nicotine-infused lungful of cigarette smoke isn’t worth the terrible taste in my mouth, the smell on my clothes and the way my breath smells– sour and gross, the result of the particulates in the smoke getting WET in your lungs and just sitting there polluting the CO2 and water vapor that I exhale.

Have I ever blacked out?
Only once. That’s my high bar, and I have a good memory of how drunk I was *before* that happened, so that’s my limit. The trick is remembering that you’re going to keep getting drunk for a while after you quit drinking, and to stop at the right point before your limit. You basically have to stop before you can’t stop.

What color is my hair right now?
Brown with gray specks. I’d like to say that the gray ruins my whole “younger than he looks” thing, but people often fail to notice. I should put that on my eHarmony “What do you wish people would notice about you but don’t?” section. I dunno why, it’s weird. Most people would rather the gray not be noticed. Maybe it’s just a “young” thing I’ve had a problem with since turning into an adult. It’s never seemed like a positive, I guess.

How about them peepers?
Brown. Yawn. I want some of those contacts that make you have BLACK eyes with RED pupils or whatnot. Something SCARY. Like Darth Maul or a wolf in a spotlight. FEAR MY SCARY EYES I WILL BITE YOU.

Contacts?
Uh, no. I can’t touch my eyeball. Ick.

Was I single when I wrote this?
Yes sir.

What is my favorite month
June.

What was the last time I cried for no reasonm prior to writing this?
F-ING INSURANCE COMMERCIALS

What was the last thing I watched before writing this?
That Pink video where she’s making fun of the stupid LA starlets and their stupid LA starlet antics. Well, I guess they’re not just LA or starlets.

Pretty sure the Olsen twins are in there, and there’s this whole Paris thing in the nightvision camera, and this far-out plastic surgery set where Pink is basically naked on a table and I’m like “holy cow they don’t show this on Mtv do they jeeeesus”. It’s mostly funny. Pink’s hit or miss, but that “Get the Party Started” song was fairly kick-ass.

My favorite day of the year?
July 4

Am I too shy to ask someone out?
Almost always.

Hugs or kisses?
I like makin’ out, but a good hug is so totally necessary. Especially a naked one. With a girl. I like naked girls.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla, for God’s sake.

What books was I reading when I wrote this?
Bitten and Smitten, by Michelle Rowen. What?!? Shut up I will kill you.

Piercings?
Zero, although I’m extremely attracted to them. And tattoos. Girls with tattoos? Whoooboy, get me a slobber trough.

Do I have any favorite movies?
Are you insane, don’t ask me that damn question, we’ll be here all damn day. Ok fine it’s “Men in Black II”. I’m not kidding! That’s an awesome movie. Well, OK it’s in competition with The Royal Tenenbaums. Seriously, “Men in Black II”– “You don’t cry because it rains, baby. It rains because you cry.”

Any pets?
Three, count ‘em, three cats:

• Samson, Sam, Sammers, Sammalammadingdong, Colonel Samders,
• Cecelia, CC, Theethee, CC Daaaaahling What-is-your-major-malfunction-private-CC, Theetheemycat,
• Geronimo, Mo, Momo, Heymo (like on the Three Stooges), Momo Italiano (must be sung), Squeaker, Cap’n Mo of the High Seas (said like a pirate)

Do I use AIM?
Crest. Oh wait you mean AOL Instant Messenger. You probably already know the answer to this.

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
Butter, motherfucker!

Dogs or cats?
Yes. You can’t make me choose. I like my cats better than my sister’s dog, but I like my sister’s dog too, and I’ve had lots of dogs in the past.

My first dog was “Nina Felicia”. We called her “Nicia”; she was a little black cocker spaniel and she was pretty old by the time my memory of her kicks in. She had no teeth, but would attack people if you kicked them. She’d gum your legs to death. A little thug, Nicia was, always jumping into a fray on your side.

Then there was Bear, a golden labrador retriever. I basically grew up with Bear. Then Nix Nootz or “Nootsie”, who got hit in the road. Then Josey, who was theoretically both my sister’s and mine (Her name being taken from ours– JOhn and caSEY), but she was mostly my dog. After Josey died, I was in college, and leaving the nest. I haven’t had a place I felt right about having a dog, so I’m mostly a cat person now I suppose.

Am I a pussy? Do I have a favorite flower?
Dandelion

Have I ever fired a gun?
Naw, I’m a pussy.

Do I like to travel by plane as opposed to car?
I hate driving. Give me a plane every time. I’d take a plane to the grocery store if I could. Someday I will, too. Mark my words.

Am I right handed or left handed?
I shop at the Leftorium.

How many pillows do I sleep with?
Why do you want to know? Are you trying to illustrate something about my psyche? Do you laugh when people admit to sleeping with a body pillow or something? And so what if they do? I happen to sleep with one pillow, although there’s one of those “sit up in bed” pillows nearby that I use for watching TV and stuff. But I don’t sleep with it, even though it’s on the bed when I’m sleeping. Shut up.

I also have a USB cable, some pictures of a trip to Seattle, an old driver’s license, the pink slip to my car, a bunch of Song Fight and MC Frontalot stickers, and four remote controls on my bed. Oh, and frequently my laptop and cell phone will be on there while I’m sleeping too.

The laptop I have to like, turn around and mash into the bed spread because it has this glowing light that keeps me awake. No, I can’t be bothered to put it on the floor or a table where it belongs, get off my back. And my cell phone has this constantly flashing light that I can’t figure out how to turn off, so I have to turn it upside down. I often use the cell as my alarm clock, but frequently forget to turn the ringer back on, so that only occasionally works.

One pillow.

Who am I missing right now?
Shane Jen Steve Mom Dad Frank Jeff Chris Spud etc. etc. keep going until my spine, or my heart, snaps.

What famous person do I have a crush on?
Zooey Deschanel! OMFG *swoon*

Do you think your ex misses you?
How strange that you should ask this after you ask what famous person I’m crushing on. I know she misses me.

Whiling Away

I seem to be having trouble sleeping tonight. So I thought I’d take advantage of my detached, roommate free house and make some noise late into the night. Here’s the result:

What’s Wrong With People?
by JB

[Listen >]

What’s wrong with people?
What’s wrong with people?
What’s wrong with people today?

Only God knows
‘Cause he made everybody.
It just goes to show
You can’t trust anybody.

What’s wrong with people?
What’s wrong with people?
What’s wrong with people today?
I wish I knew.

I wish I knew
‘Cause then I’d know
And I could tell you.
And knowing is half the battle.

Half my glass
of knowledge
Would be full.
Full of shit.
‘Cause that’s

What’s wrong with people,
What’s wrong with people,
What’s wrong with people today.
Now you know

What’s wrong with people,
What’s wrong with people,
What’s wrong with people today.
Don’t say you don’t.

How to Stop Drunk Driving

Gizmodo is reporting that Toyota and Nissan are tossing around ideas for preventing people from driving under the influence.

They’ve had some dumb ideas so far it seems: requiring a long PIN to be entered before the car will start, or having breathalyzers come standard with the car.

Here’s my idea. I think it’s better than those.

Cars are already on the verge of driving themselves. We don’t quite trust them yet– I think they need a heckuva track record before people will be ready to relinquish control of 2,000 lb. machines traveling at 60 mph, even if the machines can do it safer on average– but they’re getting ever closer to being able to get us to and from without our intervention.

In the meantime, how about taking that auto-driving technology (ha, I made a pun) and using it to allow the car to recognize when you’re not driving safely? Surely there are quantifiable differences between reacting to an emergency (driving around an accident or screeching to a halt to avoid a deer) and driving under the influence (weaving slowly from side to side, slow reaction times to events).

Your car could notice when your driving is impaired– it doesn’t have to be from alcohol, it could be that you fell asleep (started to drift off to the side), or you could have taken some drugs (swerving to drive over the purple monkey-toads with the faces of M. Emmett Walsh). Whatever the reason, the car could notice your erratic behavior and gently slow to a stop while displaying some kind of message and automatically calling you a taxi.

That’s what they should do. And now that I’ve introduced the idea into the ether, look for that mandatory feature at a dealer near you sometime in 2008.

Might As Well Face It

Similarities between cocaine and soap:

1. Using it feels good
2. The first dose is free, after that you buy it
3. Abusing it is bad for your skin
4. Withdrawal symptoms include the feeling of insects crawling on you
5. It is often mixed with other things
6. Using it is ritualistic
7. Addicts often indulge more than once a day
8. The best stuff is expensive
9. Most addicts are introduced to the substance by another user
10. The high doesn’t last very long
11. Sharing paraphernalia is a bad idea

Every Five Seconds

“There’s an accident in America every five seconds. All State thinks that’s too often.”

You don’t say! All State, the insurance company that has to pay out when people get into accidents, thinks that there are too many accidents! HOW VERY NOBLE OF YOU ALL STATE!

Ah, yes, I love commercials. Seriously. Especially lately, when so many ad companies are trying to replicate the “weird” style used in recent commercials for Quiznos and Skittles. “Hey you two sheep boys! Stop that jibber-jabbin‘!” And how about that one with all the superballs flying down a San Francisco street? Or that Spike Jonze Gap ad that never aired where all the folks tear the store up? Frikkin’ awesome. But the damned corporate pussies wouldn’t let it air! It’s like Rockefeller and Rivera all over again.

Ads are rad. Yeah, I said it. They’re little post-millenium chicken nuggets of folk art in service to capitalism. Glory be to America!

But as fun as they are, the calculatedly weird ads aren’t my favorites. The best commercials, the ads the provide the most bang for MY perverse little buck, are the ones that don’t intend to entertain, or that aim for a chuckle but get a derisive guffaw from that dude slouching on my couch sucking down ice tea flavored with no-longer-carcinogenic Sweet n’ Lo. (That would be me.)

Like the header for this post. That’s from a commercial, with pitchman Dennis Haysbert, TV’s President Palmer from the Hit Fox Drama “24″. I wonder, what is it about that role makes All State think people see Dennis Haysbert and go “hey, this is a guy I can trust”? I guess they’ve never seen “24″, which as a friend of mine points out contains “an enormous amount of torture.”

Or maybe it was Haysbert’s fine thespianism in “Major League”, as Pedro Cerrano, a voodoo-worshipping outfielder with a shrine to a god named “Jobu” in his locker, and who couldn’t hit a curve ball to save his life. At the end of the movie, he renounces his heathen ways, exclaiming “Fuck you, Jobu! I do it myself!” Just before he creams a curveball into the cheap seats, tying the championship game in the bottom of the ninth. Leaving it up to Tom Berenger to bring in the last run so he can fuck Renee Russo. I won’t spoil the ending for you.

Yes, good ol’ Dennis Haysbert. Also known to many as the gung-ho sarge from “Jarhead”, playing second-bill to Jake Gyllenhaal, who all the girls seemed to be in love with in 2005. Where were you all when Bubble Boy was dying ignominiously at the box office? Man, that movie is great. How can you not just fall off your chair when Swoosie Kurtz is stamping out Jesus cookies? Or at Bubble Boy’s attempt to console Hindu frozen-curry vendor Pushpop, who just ran down a cow with his ice-cream truck? “Don’t worry, Pushpop, my Mom says your religion’s all lies!”

Well, Mr. Haysbert laid a gut-buster on me when he uttered that All State baloney. I laughed and laughed. Like a maniac. Like this baby. Like a villain from Joel Schumacher’s famously overappreciated film “Batman and Robin.” (Pick a villain, they basically all do the laugh thing at some point in the movie.)

Here’s something else that cracked me up. I mean, I tried to stop laughing and literally could. not. stop. laughing. The other night on the drive home I was listening to Air America, right? I love Air America. Mostly. I could really do without Randi Rhodes, but that’s another story. Well anyway, Mike Malloy went off the deep end, and it was fantastic. At one point, he said in this deep, dark voice,

“I hate republicans, from the bottom of my heart.”

Holy shit! No he d’int! And then a little bit later he goes, in that same deep, dark voice,

“They are evil sons of bitches”.

O.M.G.

I almost died! Not because I couldn’t breathe from laughing (which I couldn’t), but because I swear the redneck in the truck next to me, whom I kind of sort of cut off completely accidentally, KNEW, SOMEHOW, that I was listening to Mike Malloy. He was about to pull his rifle off the rack behind his head (I just KNOW it) when my exit came.

*phew*

After Mike Malloy’s insane-but-entertaining-and-righteous ranting, came the inevitable. The show’s on AM radio if that gives you a hint.

The magic of supplements! Garlic pills for oral cleanliness! Garlic anti-free-radical cream lotions! Garlic suppositories to prevent colon cancer! Garlic toothing powder to stem the tide of gum decay! Garlic spray to clean the grime off your car! Garlic prophylactics! Garlic aphrodisiacs! Made by specially trained indonesian slave children in factories deep underground!

*pant*
*wheeze*

Where was I? Right. All State. Irony. Maniacal laughter. OK.

I dindn’t hear the rest of that All State commercial, because I was too busy laughing and composing this blog post in my head. It’s probably very moving and I would rush right out and switch my car insurance– if All State would deign to insure my ass, which they won’t for some reason or other. But I do love me that commercial, in hip ironic fashion! Still kickin’ all these years after Osama tried to kill it.

They should make a TV special out of all these commercials, and have the hosts overdubbing commentary that points out to the viewers what they should be aware of and why they should be laughing hysterically instead of sitting there like lumps stuffing their paws into a bowl of raw crisco. And so, with no further ado…

The American Broadcast Channel is proud to present, this Friday at 8, and repeating weekly until one or both of the hosts finally dies, “More America’s Most Ironically Amusing Commercials, with your hosts Dick Clark and Ed McMahon!

Green M&Ms!
A kid skateboards up to a bright green parking meter, and takes a chomp out of the thing! That’s a little funny but even funnier is the disclaimer at the bottom when he bites down: “Do not attempt”

Bowflex!
“I’m a hundred and three years old, but I’m in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE, thanks to Bowflex!” and “I’m 93, and I still look great in this bikini! Thanks, Bowflex!”

Coke!
Some hoodlums meth addicts shiftless layabouts young people are spending their summer making a “documentary”, with the help of a junker station wagon, some toilet paper, and of course, Coca-Cola, on a quest to prove that their generation isn’t as worthless as we all know they are. They pack up their car and head off into the great plains of the Heartland to see what they can see, and meet the most INTERESTING kids, doin’ wholesome, creative, mildly subversive and yet totally safe stuff. But don’t try to relate, man, you’re an adult, you probably wouldn’t get it.

They happen upon some dudes driving down the road in a truck with a payload of ice shavings. What could they possibly be doing with all those ice shavings?! The crafty youths craft a grind rail out of a metal stair railing at a public basketball court. They dump the ice at the bottom to form a fantastic, ingenious, totally-not-lame mini snowboarding apparatus! As Rad Dude Numero Uno slides down the rail towards the ice, a disclaimer runs along the bottom: “Professional Snowboarder, do not attempt”. Hey! I thought these were just kids, making a documentary! And enjoying Coke!

Ok, so it’s another ironically amusing disclaimer, but there’s a twist– at the same time (or soon after), you can clearly hear the following lyric from the pop-punk song on the soundtrack: “It’s all lies”. Ha!

Cortislim!
That flab around my middle isn’t my fault at all! It’s not there because I love the taste of those delicious Star Crunch patties just a LITTLE TOO MUCH, no! It’s the God Damned Cortisol! Cortisol is apparently some sort of hormone or whatnot thingo that makes fat form around your middle like steel belts around a Michelin! Fucking cortisol! Every time I see the commercial I raise my impotent fists to the sky and scream in frustrated rage! CORTISOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!

Cortislim is a supplement which beats the shit out of that pesky cortisol and makes the fat just run off your middle like the flesh off that Nazi guy’s face in “Raiders”. I bet it’s made of some form of processed garlic.